Washington DC And Beyond
I'm not sure if I understand what freedom is anymore. When I was a baby, I suppose it was being able to pee anywhere, anytime. But needing someone to change your diaper for you isn't really freedom. So with all of these colossal corporations being bailed out during our economic crisis, I'm left re-evaluating the F-word. Does freedom mean that you can f%^$ up your business and expect Uncle Sam to bail you out and wipe your butt? Even my mom says I am a huge f%^$-up, and I'm fully potty trained. Hey Washington, I know some of you guys read this magazine, send me a few mil' to get me on my feet.
Of course, a million bucks isn't the ticket to freedom either--not that I would know, I've never had that much coin in hand. I was in need of a serious freedom fest. So instead of writing Sammy, I called Baggers and proposed an East Coast tour--cruising through the towns where our forefathers set up shop. In New Jersey, I picked up an '08 Victory Vision Street (sans top box) from John Costa at Rollin' Fast (rollinfast.com), loaded up, and headed straight toward the nation's capital city. Oh, but wait, I know nothing about the Eastern Seaboard. My buddy at MadMaps (madmaps.com) hooked me up with a route and, well, some maps and stuff. No dilly-dallying, I headed directly to the White House only to get held back by guards and concrete barriers.
The White House was surrounded by blockades. I found a way through them without being shot and stared at the home of our President while a mass of foreigners took poorly framed photos. I was surprised there weren't any English-speaking people. It seems that no one from the "Land of the Free" is interested in seeing the Chief's home. This is the place where it all happens. I had to find a way in and ask George W. what he thinks freedom is. I found an old doorbell on the fence with a plaque reading "Welcome to the White House." No answer. Guess they don't like Trick or Treaters.
I ran off to check out the giant penis of our nation. It oozed with tourists, too. The Washington Monument was created to commemorate a righteous dude that won the freedom of our country. It is the world's tallest stone structure and pierces the sky with its mightiness. No wonder it gets its own reflecting pool. I have the same effect in my own bathtub, of course. Like, George Washington, "I cannot tell a lie." Too much stress of city driving, too many barricades, too many people photographing an erection, clearly freedom cannot be found in D.C.
Lancets, snakeroot and crab claws, oh my! These are the remedies found at the Hugh Mercer Apothecary Shop (apva.org/hughmercerapothecary) in Old Town Fredericksburg. I stayed after the tour and begged them to put a leech on me. Leeches were used in the olden days to cure such ailments as headaches, hemorrhoids and women's hysteria. For a quick cure for what ails ya, buy some good medical grade leeches for 8 bucks a pop online (leeches.biz).
The guides were bikers and snuck me out back with a leech, but no matter how much I pleaded, they wouldn't let the slimy beastie suck my blood. I figured getting drained by a leech would make a cool story to bring home to mom. Regardless, all the blood drained out of me when I saw Dr. Mercer's ancient tooth-extracting key. Yeah, I'm a big sissy. Dr. Mercer wasn't, though. He served as a brigadier general in the Continental Army during the Revolutionary War and died after wounds sustained during the Battle of Princeton. He's known as a war hero, Mary Washington's doctor, and also for making some sort of elixir to "cure a man with a bad wife."